John J. McGraw.com-Humor

If Jesus was killed 50 years ago, Catholic schoolchildren all over the world would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Football combines the two worst features of American life: it is violence punctuated by committee meetings.

They say that the recipe for sprite is lemon and lime, but I tried to make it at home, and there's more to it than that. You want some more home made sprite? Not until you figure out what the fuck else is in it!

I said to my doctor, “My penis is burning.” He said, “That just means someone’s talking about it.”

A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, my brother's crazy, he thinks he's a chicken." The doctor says, "Why don't you turn him in?" The guy says, "We would. But we need the eggs."

I failed my driver's test. The guy asked me "what do you do at a red light?" I said, I don't know...look around, listen to the radio.

I was attacked by a shark, but I poked it in the eye and got away. All I have to say is, “Thank you, Viagra!”

I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it "Do not eat if seal is broken." So I opened up the box, and sure enough...

Mario Andretti has retired from race car driving. That's a good thing. He's getting old. He ran his entire last race with his left blinker on.

China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you're a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you.

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was that?!"

Contrary to what most people would say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.

I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and asks "are you reading that?" I didn't know what to say. So I said yes. I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again.

Last night I was having dinner with Charles Manson, and in the middle of dinner he turned to me and said, "Is it hot in here, or am I crazy?"

Question: How many ADD kids does it take to change a lightbulb?
Answer: Let's go ride bikes!!!

Marriage Jokes

Marriages are made in heaven. But, then again, so are thunder and lightning.

A husband expects his wife to be perfect... and to understand why he's not.

A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.

Always talk to your wife while you're making love... if there's a phone handy.

I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.

If your mother-in-law and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?

Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first.

Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo....

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.

My wife's cooking is so bad that we pray after we eat.

The three stages of sex in marriage: tri-weekly; try-weekly; try-weakly

Why did the polygamist cross the aisle? To get to the other bride.

Some mornings I wake up grouchy... and some mornings I just let her sleep.

The Husband Store

A store that sells husbands just opened in New York City. At the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

There are six floors and the attributes of the men improve from floor-to-floor. There is, however, a catch... you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building. Please pay for your one-time ticket just ahead.

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find her mate...

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs. She proceeds to the next floor.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids. Excitedly, she heads upstairs.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking. "Wow," she pauses, but decides to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, and help with the housework. She simply must go to the next floor.

There the sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the next floor where the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 400,363,012. We're sorry, we're completely out of stock. Thank you for visiting the husband store.

Given his success, the owner decided to open The Wife Store just across the street.

Floor 1 - has wives that love sex.
Floor 2 - has wives that love sex and have money.
Floor 3 to 6th - have never been visited.

THE ART OF INSULTS

I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend... if you have one.

–George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one.

–Winston Churchill, in reply

Interpreter! Interpreter! How do you say the opposite of Vive Le France?

–Winston Churchill, on Charles de Gaulle

A sheep in sheep's clothing.

–Winston Churchill, on Clement Atlee

There but for the grace of God, goes God.

–Winston Churchill, on Stafford Cripps

He occasionally stumbled over the truth, but hastily picked himself up and hurried on as if nothing had happened.

–Winston Churchill, on Stanley Baldwin

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

–Winston Churchill

A modest little person, with much to be modest about.

–Winston Churchill

I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.

–Clarence Darrow

He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.

–William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?

–Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it.

–Moses Hadas

I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here.

–Stephen Bishop

He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.

–Samuel Johnson

He had delusions of adequacy.

–Walter Kerr

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

–Abraham Lincoln

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.

–Groucho Marx

They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.

–Thomas Brackett Reed

In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.

–Charles, Count Talleyrand

If the writing is honest it cannot be separated from the man who wrote it.

–Tennessee Williams

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

–Mark Twain

His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.

–Mae West

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.

–Oscar Wilde

He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.

–Oscar Wilde

Wordplay

The Washington Post recently asked readers to create a new word by dropping the first letter of an existing word.

The Washington Post published a contest for readers in which they were asked to supply alternate meanings for various words.

The following were some of the winning entries:

Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.

Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

Frisbeetarianism (n.), the belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

Pokemon (n), a Jamaican proctologist.

AMAZING ANAGRAMS

To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind
to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.
―Shakespeare, Hamlet

In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero,
Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten.

Becomes:

A thin man ran; makes a large stride; left planet, pins flag on moon! On
to Mars!

Humor from the Church

Here are statements that actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced during church services.

1. The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

2. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

3. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

4. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.

5. Don't let worry kill you off – let the Church help.

6. Miss Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

7. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

8. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

9. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

10. Irving and Jessie were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

11. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

12. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

13. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS...

He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.

Jokes